Do you remember your high school days? The days you spent trying to figure out where you fit in while you were still trying to determine who you are? Everyone around you seemed to have their clique figured out, knew what group they belonged to, and who their friends were.. or so it seemed. Whether people were confident in their choices or just following along, everyone had their place. I can tell you, this is not something I miss about high school. When I first attended college, I was relieved to find that though there were certainly groups and circles of friends, the drama behind these cliques seemed to be a distant memory.

And then I became a mother.

There is nothing quite like being a mom. You can be the person with the most stunning of careers or the mom in sweats at 5 pm because the baby just will not nap. You can be the mom with the glamorous wardrobe and the newest hairstyle or the mom whose split ends are a mile long with roots desperate for attention (ahem). The one common thread among all moms is the fierce love a mom has for her children, and the overwhelming desire to do what is best for her children.

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it should be. However, in being a mom, there is always someone judging you. It is not your husband or the father of your children; it is not your family, adding their two cents in; it is not even your mother-in-law, who thinks she knows best. No, these sources of discontent and judgment can be dismissed, ignored, or placated. The group that judges you and elicits that sense of wanting to belong that is so reminiscent of high school is that group of other moms.

Everyone has their views of parenting, their views of what is right and wrong. Sharing opinions and ideas should be what makes us better, stronger moms. Instead, you too often find women tearing each other down. Have you ever visited online parenting forums? I have browsed many over the past few years and sometimes I come across one that just amazes me. They are a breeding ground for vicious attacks and insulting nuances. There is nothing like making a parenting choice and then reading about how “wrong” other moms think it is to make that choice. Or to read the tone of those whose methods have worked for them, so they have now decided that it is the solution for everyone who experiences a similar problem. How about visiting a playgroup? There’s a way to shrink your self-esteem in 20 minutes or less. You quickly begin to edit what you share about yourself and your choices and consider each word wisely. After all,you just witnessed the lecture a nursing mom gave to a mom who said she formula-fed and looked to you for confirmation, as you nurse your baby and watch your formula fed toddler roam the playground.You grow wary of disclosing your plans for the day to the mother of four who did everything right with her first child, was always involved in something, so she criticizes the choices you  make, whether out of necessity or otherwise.

Why, as moms, do we feel the need to tear each other down? It is hard to grasp why there is so much criticism, yet so little support for the decisions moms make. Why does someone have to have the same perspective as you do in order to be “right”? If you have more than one child, the same things don’t necessarily work for one as another in every aspect. Perhaps one child was an easy sleeper while the other needed sleep training. Maybe one kid was clingy and needed extra snuggles and holding, while the other wanted to exert his independence. Each child has different needs and challenges, and each parent needs to make determinations on how to address them in his or her own way.

Now, this is not to say that this is always true in every situation. I have met, made, and kept some amazing friends over the years, whether we share the exact same parenting philosophies or not, and have found some very supportive online forums. But it seems that as soon as you get a group together, virtually or in person, the battles begin. Of course you think your way is right; why would you do it if you did not? However, what we need to keep in mind is that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. Instead of judging and criticizing people’s parenting choices, let’s support them and hear why it works for them. You never know, that one parenting clique you dislike so much might have the key to your child sleeping through the night. Or that silly group over there could help you find what is causing the lack of eating in your little one. Let’s stop tearing each other down and focus on what brings us together: being a mom and loving our children.

Let’s leave the high school days to them.

Tagged as: cliques, mom labels, moms, parenting views